The Pitfalls of Trying to Change Your Partner

Far too many couples enter therapy with the goal of "fixing" their partner - whether it is their communication style, habits, personality traits, or core values. They believe if they can get their significant other to change, the relationship will improve. However, this approach is fundamentally flawed and doomed to fail as the change is often rooted in unrealistic relationship expectations, causing resentment, trust issues, or the erosion of mutual respect towards one another.

The simple truth is, we cannot change other people; we can only change ourselves by engaging in ongoing self-exploration. Trying to alter your partner's fundamental nature is not only futile but can have consequences for the health of the relationship. When we attempt to mold our loved ones into what we think they "should" be, we are essentially communicating that we do not accept them as they are. This breeds resentment, damages trust, and undermines the very foundation of the relationship.

Furthermore, efforts to change a partner often involve some degree of emotional manipulation, whether it is nagging, criticizing, or using guilt and shame as leverage. These tactics might produce temporary compliance, but they erode the sense of autonomy, mutual respect, and safety/security that are essential for a thriving partnership.

Instead, I encourage couples to shift their energy towards nurturing personal growth and building healthy relationship boundaries while maintaining curiosity and understanding through open communication. This means taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and communicating your needs and boundaries clearly and compassionately. It means cultivating acceptance, empathy, and an ongoing genuine curiosity about your partner's unique perspective and experience. When we let go of the need to control our partner's actions and embrace them as they are, something remarkable happens. The relationship has space to breathe and evolve organically. Couples are able to have honest, vulnerable conversations about their hopes, fears, and areas of disconnect, and work together to find mutually satisfying solutions.

Of course, this is easier said than done, as we are human and changing deeply ingrained patterns of behavior and thought is a challenging process. This is where the role of the couple's therapist becomes invaluable. We can help you and your partner identify the unhealthy dynamics at play, develop healthier communication strategies, and foster a greater sense of understanding and acceptance.

Through this work, I have seen couples rediscover sparks and intimacy that initially drew them together. They learn to appreciate each other's differences, to compromise without resentment, and to support each other's personal growth in a way that strengthens the relationship as a whole, not just for the moment, but for potential changes in the future as well.

So, if you find yourself constantly frustrated by your partner's perceived flaws, I encourage you to take a step back and reflect on your own role in the dynamic. Try externalizing these questions in individual therapy to help facilitate communications in couples' treatment: What are your underlying relationship expectations? Where do you feel the need for control? How might you be engaging in emotional manipulation, even if unconsciously?

By shifting your focus inward and committing to your own personal development, you open the door to a more fulfilling, authentic partnership - one built on mutual respect, acceptance, and a deep appreciation for each other's unique qualities. Ultimately, we all change over time to some degree. So, if possible, try not to let change drive the attachment and use therapy to assist with adaptations in your and your partner’s journey.

If this sounds like something you and your partner might want to consider, reach out and make some calls to identify a couple's clinician who works with your schedule, and let’s get this process started!